Life in Limbo

In the last two months, I have become a professional waiter. And no, by that I do not mean someone dressed in black slacks and a white button down who takes your order at a restaurant. I mean someone who has their professional career, or in my case, educational career, put on hiatus while their lymphatic system attempts to recreate something resembling the American Civil War. My life has become a progression of widely spaced events buffered by prolonged periods of waiting. Waiting to see doctors, waiting to have blood drawn, waiting for chemo to be administered. Waiting....constantly, essentially rendering my life in limbo. Until today.

Beginning the end of January, I have had two cycles (containing two treatments each) of my beloved chemo regiment, ABVD, administered. Since then, I have waited patiently as my four new friends, adriamycin, bleomycin, vinblastine, and dacarbazine dawned blue uniforms to fight the grey backs of my malignancy. Beside the occasional fatigue and indigestion, I was absolutely unaware of the success of my chemo comrades. Again, I found myself waiting, unsure of whether this poisonous concoction I was allowing into my bloodstream was fighting to preserve my livelihood or allowing enemy infiltration on the home-front. 

After completing the last treatment for cycle number two, it was time to finally reveal the progress of my disease. The anticipation for my PET scan was almost unbearable, but once again, my professional expertise in waiting allowed me to get through it smoothly enough. The next day I received a telegram concerning the troops on the front line (a call from my oncologist with my test results). The mass was shrinking. I was simultaneously relieved and proud of my brave chemo soldiers; and more realistically the miraculous work of the medical community and the individuals who spend their lives researching for the betterment of humanity. This appreciation ignited and fueled in me the realization of a new-found passion. 

Previously, I had never thought that I would, should, or even could be a doctor of any kind. That career option simply never presented itself to me in a realistic manner. But as I spent time researching and reading about the expansiveness of knowledge yet to be discovered in the world of medicine, something in me confirmed the idea that I should at least try to pursue a career in the medical field. There still is not an answer for what causes Hodgkin's lymphoma or a slew of other cancers and diseases and I see no reason why I can't be the person to find out. 

Although I don't have any choice regarding the waiting I must do on the road to remission, I at least have discovered a light at the end of the tunnel. Despite the fact that I currently reside in a limbo state, I will continue to build excitement and prepare for my opportunity to return to school and start on the road to the rest of my life. Until then, I cheer on my little chemo friends and forgive them for making me bald.

Mr. Daimler, I'd Like a Word...

Recently I have come into great conflict with Mercedes-Benz and their pioneer founder, Gottlieb Daimler. Now why you may ask would I be unhappy with a luxury car brand of which I have never been an owner or customer and a 19th century German inventor? Very good question. See, the other day I happened upon the Mercedes-Benz commercial which proudly advertised their famous patron's quote, "The best or nothing at all." Mercedes bragged that this quote, which became integrated into the very fabric of their business philosophy, has pushed them to the very pinnacle of success in the automotive industry. Yes, Mercedes-Benz has managed to be a great success both financially and terms of customer satisfaction, and I applaud them in those endeavors...but are they truly the absolute "BEST" as their great founder once envisioned and demanded they be? Can anyone be the best? Who measures this contest? What are their qualifications? Interestingly, this very quote which Mercedes claims was stated over 120 years ago perpetuates an old-age obsession which only seems to grow with time. Why does being the "best" literally or even metaphorically have any weight in determining the individual success of a company or person? This was when I realized the absolute insanity in living life trying to be "better" than others.

Growing up among very advanced and competitive musicians, it was easy to turn something like music, which is supposed to be an expression of human emotion, into a sport. A bloody sport. Like Mr. Daimler, many orchestra parents and kids saw being the best of the absolute importance, which baffles me. For example, what makes Joshua Bell a better violinist than Hilary Hahn or vice versa? Creating such bloodthirsty competition in something as subjective as the arts seems to be an absolute waste of time, energy, and talent. 

But it doesn't stop there. Human preoccupation with being the best at everything seems to consume our culture. Constantly comparing ourselves through social media; fuming in jealously as you look at other's Facebook photos realizing that your Friday night wasn't nearly as fun as your friend whom you haven't even spoken to in five years. Though a healthy amount of competition drives the economy and technological advances, its control on our outlooks of life is viciously contagious and dangerous. Our obsession with being extraordinary and the "best" can ruin our ability to simply enjoy the pleasures of doing things for the sake of doing them. We attempt to prove to others how much greater our lives are than theirs. I am absolutely guilty of this. As a member of the social media generation, I thrive in self-importance and the idea of exhibiting the best of my life online.  I act as my own editor, showing off the best of the best in order to demonstrate my superiority over others. This is absolutely ridiculous and quite honestly embarrassing, and yet, its endless. 

We even then come into competition with our past selves. Being home alone a lot, I find myself looking back at old photos of myself and friends wishing I was as happy as I appear in the photos, fooling myself into believing that somehow I didn't have problems then. But I must address the fact that that is not true and there's never been a better time in my life than right now. Wasting the time I have now, young and relatively healthy, you know minus the lung tumor part, is silly and I vow to be more appreciative of what is at my expenditure. I have to start looking at having so much free time as an opportunity to grow and enjoy my favorite activities and spending time with family. So although I greatly disagree with Mr. Daimler's frankly petty view of life, I thank him for making me realize the importance of living today for the joy of today. So in that spirit, I vow to be less consumed with trying to be better than people, or appearing to be on Facebook and Instagram. There is no way for me or anyone else to measure the beauty a human life can create everyday and I vow to stop trying. Instead of being depressed over times past or times to come, I rejoice in the truth that every day of my life is the best of day of my life.